Pregnant Husband

Beautiful baby!

2006-10-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

Well, more than two months (!!) after my last posting, I'm back to say we are the parents of an amazing, gorgeous baby boy. I have heard from some of you wanting an update, and I apologize for the delay. Man, were things crazy.
My wife was incredible and heroic during the delivery... natural! She just pushed through the pain. Wow.
That was early September.
(I won't get too specific on this next part to help maintain anonymity) our child had a heart defect and had to have surgery. Turns out one percent of infants in the U.S. have heart defects, half of which are not discovered in the womb.
Fortunately, it was fixed and he is totally healthy!! No illness, just some babies are born with something that needs to be fixed. No one knows why these defects happen, this stuff can just be random. That was a huge, tough experience. But we have the most incredible little boy!
Being a father is greater, huger, more exciting, more rewarding, more grounding, and more awesome than even I imagined. It's incredible. I'm crazy in love with our kid. His needs are so basic, and are such reminders of what all human needs are: food, shelter, and love.
I'm going to update this blog at least one more time. I want to go back and think about lessons learned from this pregnancy.
Thanks to those of you who have expressed support!

We watched a birth

2006-08-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

We've been taking a bunch of classes lately, to learn as much as possible... and on Saturday we spent 6 hours in a "prepared childbirth" class. As part of it, we watched a movie showing actual births. Two vaginal and one c-section!
Remember in 8th grade health class when they make you watch a movie that shows one? It was ostenisbly to teach about the process of giving life... but looking back, we know it was also really about scaring us out of having sex.
Well, now it wasn't scary to watch... it was a little freaky to see it, but mostly just wild and amazing. You could actually see the baby's soft head crowning... OK I won't get gross about details.
But it woke me up to a whole different level of awareness about this child. I guess since I saw those new babies come right out as little people, I saw my own child that way. Suddenly he/she (we're among the few who don't know!) feels very, very real. And I love him/her.
And now, I don't want to be away from my wife. Like, at all. I can't believe what she's about to go through. And I find myself wanting to be with her at all times, next to her, holding her.
OK, as I say that, she just went upstairs and I'm here at my computer. But I do look forward to finishing and then just sitting there with her, holding her.
It's kind of like when I knew I was going to ask her to marry me -- I had a work trip, and didn't want to be away. It's like that now.
She's amazing. There's a lot going on with each of us, and with me especially psychologically. But that's for another time.
Gotta go be with my wife -- my baby's mom.

How much do I have to know?

2006-07-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted. All's well - my wife's huge (!) and the baby apparently is doing well. (We're comfortable saying "baby" at this stage.) All the signs look good... we're very excited. I'm not freaking out. I know I can be a good dad. Even the other tumult going on -- as I've mentioned, I'm quite careerist, and I'm actually launching an exciting new chapter in that respect -- isn't making me freak. At least not so far...

I'm wondering how much about newborn care I need to learn before the birth. We're taking a few classes, which should teach me a good deal. My wife knows a lot. Some friends have told me it's not worth trying to learn tons in advance, you just pick up what you need to know as you go. One female friend told me to take infant CPR class, but nothing else 'cuz it's not worth it.

Now we've got all these books. To read or not to read? That is the question. I'm way busy, but obviously this is most important... but enough people have told me it's not worth it that I believe them.

I still feel what I have all along -- that other guys who have it less together than I do can handle this, so I definitely can.

Meanwhile, I am incredibly psyched. Can't wait to meet my little son/daughter and do all I can for him.

Definitely felt it kick

2006-05-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

I still wouldn't know it's a kick, but it was. Or at least it was some part of the kid's anatomy pushing out. Very cool. Except my wife makes me sit there forever waiting for it to happen, which is surprisingly boring. I love putting my hand on her tummy and trying to sense what's going on in there, but sitting waiting for a very slight push that's an apparent kick is boring. Keep that in mind, gentlemen.
Heading toward 3rd trimester...

I felt it kick!

2006-05-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

I think. At least that's what my wife says. It felt more like a slight pulsing, as if her protruding tummy was a natural place on the body to take her pulse. Anyway I believe her that it was a kick, which is way cool.
We're into the choosing names stage. Unfortunately, some of the names we like best are the most popular ones... and we don't want our kids to have the same names as, like, a third of their schools. Interesting dilemma. I think we're settling on names that are common but not, like, the names everyone's using. Besides, I kind of want to see the kid first and decide what name fits it.
She's about to start her 23rd week. Yowza!
She's huge. I love it. It's cool what happens to the body.
I love putting my hand on her stomach. Actually I love when other people do to, but she doesn't like that, so I'm no longer allowed to invite everyone we know to put their hands there.
The compromises you make in marriage...
It's Mother's Day. Next year we'll actually be celebrating it for my wife...
Still no nerves. We can handle this. I know it.

Half-way there!

2006-04-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

She's at 20 weeks. Wow. She's quite big already -- I love it. She's probably going to grow huge! I think it's so cool how the female body changes to bring life into the world.
She can't see her feet now! That's hilarious.
She can't sleep much though - that part kinda sucks. She's tossing and turning tons, even with the body pillow. Last night she told me to stop digging my elbow into her back. I told her, "Honey, my elbow is attached to my body. I'm lying all the way on the edge of the bed with my arm straight at my side. You're backing into my elbow!" It's gonna be a fun 20 weeks (approx.) ahead, I'm telling you...
I still haven't freaked out. I know we can do this. A lot going on more immediately work-wise, which might be part of the reason. But I also know we can handle the whole having-a-kid thing. I'm psyched, actually.

Relief

2006-04-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

So we had an ultrasound in which the doctor looked for anything "abnormal," and didn't see anything. That officially reduced the likelihood of Down Syndrome to less than one percent. Yes, tons of parents go through this. It was still stressful. And, of course, you never know what's going to happen. We have friends whose children have illnesses and problems, and we've heard some stories of others... But we also know the chances are our child will be healthy.
My wife has always said she hopes the child will be healthy. I've always said I want it to be cute! This experience has definitely got me backing her up though.
We still don't know the gender, although I saw the fetus with its hand reaching down toward its nether region... and I pronounced it "a boy!" Then again it might have just been fiddling with the umbilical cord, or not really doing anything. The doctors gave no indication. My wife liked my reasoning though. (And no, I don't think only boys touch themselves!)
18 weeks and counting...

scary test result

2006-03-30T06:42:00.000-08:00

This sucks. First the hospital LOST the blood samples for our tests a month ago, then my wife went in for a "quad screen." The results came back good on other fronts, but showing a possibility of Down Syndrome. The research we've read says the vast majority -- more than 90% -- of such results turn out to be "false positives." But another test is needed. If the hospital (well, apparently FedEx) hadn't lost the samples the first time, we would have had some type of results from a different test a month ago.
So now we're pushing to get another, more accurate test fast.
My wife is actually not worked up over it. She knew about the false positives -- she's done lots of research. But obviously we don't want to have to go through this kind of anxiety.
Before getting pregnant this time, we had talked about what we would do if our baby had Down Syndrome. She said she'd want to have it. I was torn -- I like to think that every soul gets a chance, and if that body isn't the healthiest vessel, maybe we'd give it a different chance. But I also trust her on this. And I know Down Syndrome is something you can live with.
Anyway, the chances are the baby is healthy. And fortunately the other, scarier problems did not show up. And, no matter what, you never know what you're getting to get. We have friends with babies facing various challenges.
No matter what, I'll love my child just the same. But I do want to know as much as possible.

drama

2006-03-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Fortunately not the scary kind of drama... as far as we know, the baby-to-be is progressing just fine.
There's definitely been some tension between my wife and me... unusual for us. I think we each have some worries about what the other will do once we have our child, and whether the other will fulfill responsibilities.
Meanwhile, the hospital lost blood samples! My wife and several other women went in for a routine Down Syndrome test, and never heard back. After 4 weeks (you're supposed to hear in one week), she called for the 4th time or so and yelled until the doctor got on the phone... He said FedEx lost the samples, has no idea where they are. Unbelievable.
We're not panicked, but we expect better of the medical system. Not only losing the samples, but failing to tell us what was going on. Unreal...
Otherwise, all's fine.
She's starting to show! It's amazing how the female body changes. Her hips are widening, like the whole structure moving outward. She's got a bit of a pouch, and it's so taut! Very cool. And wild...
Oh and we went to a bris (Jewish circumcision ritual) the other day. I took mental notes the whole time... at least in America, circumcision is an issue virtually all parents face. We know we'll have it done if it's a boy.
Scroll down a bit to see fetus pics!

WOAH! Images...

2006-02-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

Woah! LOOK!!!!
All these are our fetus. WOAH! My wife went in for a check-up, and they managed to get these images through a sonogram. She's at 12 weeks. (She being my wife - we don't know what gender the baby will be.) Look at the gold one -- that's a FACE!
Last week when we went in, the image looked freaky, just like I've always heard it would... like an alien, with a huge head. But these look real. WOAH. WOAH...
We've begun telling people. It's going great. But I can't write about that because I can hardly think when I look at these images. I already love it.

"he did it!"

2006-02-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

That was my wife's subject line to her friends last night after I managed to cook chicken and not leave the house in a condition to make her sick. Here is the text, with our names removed:

I am driving home from book group tonight gagging, anticipating coming into the house and smelling THAT SMELL. I open the garage door and inch my way in and...lo and behold...NOTHING! [husband's name deleted] comes down smiling proudly. "You can't smell anything, can you?" I'm totally shocked and of course thrilled beyond words. He figured out what to do! He found some random candle on our dresser, "Mountain view" scent and it just totally wiped the smell out completely! Of course the windows are open and the vent fan is going (thanks, (name of her friend removed)!)...but nothin! Not a trace!
I thought you would all appreciate that seeing as I've been complaining and whining about it for WEEKS! My husband is brilliant! YAY! Hallelujiah!

I immediately informed my posse - the 4 guys who know and have been sending in various amused responses to my predicaments. Yes, my predicaments. Yes, I know what she's going through is way worse. If you're annoyed by my annoyance, read the first posting.

By the way, I would have done the candle thing sooner but she had told me no candle scents either! I tried a different candle. Phew. :)

challenging days

2006-02-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I'm wary of using the word "challenging" in the title for this post, since she's healthy and as far as we know everything is progressing just right.
But it's been challenging for the two of us. We love each other incredibly, but some things we've been dealing with have been tough.
She's in some sort of physical discomfort basically always. It puts her in a bad mood, but she's good about not slinging it at me, or generally taking it out on me.
Still, some things are legitimately driving me crazy. I can't touch her, can't have any kind of sex, she basically never smiles, pushes me away all night, and freaks out any time I cook or heat up any kind of food. Or even just take food out of the fridge.
The other night she said I could be more sympathetic. I was fed up, and told her I was trying, and that she wasn't being sympathetic to me at all. She ended up getting really upset -- not angry so much, but upset.
She has a trip scheduled for a few days, and we're both actually looking forward to it. Not the being apart, but the briefly getting perspective and missing each other and not annoying each other for a few days part.
Based on things she has helped me understand since that night, I think I actually do need to be a little more sympathetic. I hadn't realized the full extent of what she's going through. She's not sleeping well, eating crackers at random hours, etc. She hasn't thrown up, but gags often on certain smells. She helped me understand that it's even tougher for he than I realized.
Still, I have the right to my frustrations too, and didn't back down on those. I told her I want her to try to keep in mind that a lot of this sucks for me, too.
Of course, we're both psyched for the end goal of all of this. Man, I hope the second trimester is better, as everyone says.

Let me touch you!!!

2006-02-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

I feel like I want to scream that. In fact, pretty soon I might scream that. I mean actually scream that.
What the hell?! I had no idea that her being pregnant would make her an Untouchable. She's always been very... good to me in that respect, but now she can't even be touched at all. When I get close at night she literally pushes me away! I can't even, like, put my arm over her. "I'm too sore! It hurts!" Yeah, me too, honey. But in a different way.
Of course, we're both grateful for the continued signs that she is, indeed, pregnant. And she keeps telling me this is just a phase. Please, let it be just a phase...

let there be chicken!

2006-01-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

She's trying to stop me from cooking chicken! Something about the smell making her sick. You don't understand how inconvenient this is. I cook and eat chicken breasts like twice A DAY, and credit that plus my trainer for anything good about my physique. Uh-oh, this is gonna suck.
We've negotiated a system in which she barricades herself upstairs in a room with lysol and wristbands. How long will this stage last?
Last time, it was cucumbers. If I peeled one she had to be two states away to avoid nausea. Now chicken? Next it's going to be, like, oxygen.
But hey -- on a deeper level, we're both psyched to have this kind of problem.
I just wrote my four male buddies who know about this pregnancy to complain about the chicken thing. Definitely had to get it off my breast. I mean chicken. I mean chest. (Four is actually a lot - we weren't telling people yet, but we agreed to a certain handful based on hyper- specific reasons in each case.)

i rock

2006-01-19T13:39:00.000-08:00

We had the first sonogram yesterday, and the doctors tell us my wife got pregnant pretty much the first time it was physically possible. Go us. Actually, go me. Yes, I've decided to take pride in this, even though I know I shouldn't and that someone's motility says nothing about him.
It's half a centimeter!
And we heard the heartbeat. I think that's what they call it at this stage -- a heartbeat. Way fast. Like 130.
It's just over six weeks.
We just really hope this one sticks.
Of course, I was looking forward to "trying," and now we're already at the stage where she's getting grossed out by random things and barely lets me touch her. For now I can deal.

Preggers Again

2006-01-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

Well, the people who told us we're virile/fertile were apparently right. After weeks of refusing to take a test because she didn't want to be disappointed, my wife took one and, voila, two little red stripes.

And so it begins. Again.

She wondered why I had no apparent reaction. It wasn't stoicism, but it was kind of like the first time -- it takes a while for the idea to set in. I just went about my business. But of course I'm glad. And she feels great, though also a little intimidated I think. I'm really proud of how she's handling the news so far.

For the record, there weren't the signs there were last time. But her lack of a period, except the one she had a month after the procedure (late Nov.), were a sign.

We weren't "trying," since she didn't even know if/when she was ovulating.

We know nothing yet -- how long she's been pregnant, nothing.

And we hope this one will take, obviously. That it'll be viable. That the third image on the slot machine will make it a jackpot (to get this metaphor, search the previous posts below for "slot").

Let's see where this goes...

A Husband in Miscarriage Mode

2005-11-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

"Holy F**k." "How the hell did this happen?" "Holy S**t."
"This isn't supposed to happened (sic)"
"Nothing went wrong -- it just happened."
"This freakin' sucks." "I can't believe this."

All those proclamations are things I scribbled on a piece of paper that I had with me when we got the news. Actually, the back of a printed plane ticket. And, for the record, I'm a pretty clean-mouthed guy. I save swear words for the times I need them. Exhibit A.

There's no template for how to handle these things. But, in our case, it's brought some twists I would not have imagined.

Fortunately, my wife is fine physically and is recovering in other ways. We've had a lot of support, and I'm doing the best I know how. But one thing I didn't see coming was the extent to which she would stake her womanhood, her femininity, on the pregnancy. Without it, she feels she has something to prove.

So while we pretty much kept the pregnancy secret because it was 1st trimester, she now wants the whole world to know that she was pregnant -- like somehow, the more people that know that the more it validates her.

That part scares me. We've talked about this. Partly what's scary is that I don't want the next pregnancy -- whenever it may be -- to be about us. It's about the kid. It's about bringing a child into the world, not proving anything.

My wife's an amazing woman with a great head on her shoulders, and her good, strong values are in place. I know she'll do the right thing. But this perspective-correction is part of my role as husband. I'm trying to help her understand that she has nothing to prove, and that we'll have our child when it's time.

Also, there's a line in which she can cross from going through all the emotions she needs to go through... into wallowing. We both have to watch out for that.

This weekend we took a trip up to the mountains. On the way, we got a call about a friend who's pregnnat. The second within a week. It hurt her, bad.

She wanted to turn around and go home. I said no way. Good thing -- we had a great day, and being out in nature helped bring perspective. As a husband, it's a balancing act -- let her, and help her, go through everything she needs to go through; but also help her not wallow.

Do we start trying again stat? I don't know...

Physically, by the way, she's back to exactly where she was BP (before the pregnancy) -- externally, anyway. Inside, even in some physical ways, she's still recovering. It's only been two and a half weeks.

One more confession: I think I've been processing some of my own pain about this in my dreams. During the day I don't really feel pain about it. It was tough and hurtful at first, but that pregnancy wasn't meant to be and we'll be fine. But there was some residual stuff that I was dealing with. In at least two cases, I know I felt hurt about it in my dreams. Whatever that means.

'Til soon.

Lost it

2005-10-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is difficult to write.
The short version is we had a miscarriage. The reality is a little more complicated and brought some tough lessons.
But we’re OK.
I knew when I began this blog that this could happen. I decided then that if it did, I’d use this to offer a guy’s view of going through a miscarriage. So here goes.
We went in on Thursday (today’s Monday) for my wife’s 10-week ultrasound. There was no fetus there. I was convinced the radiologist was doing it wrong. My wife’s eyes bulged – she was shocked. There had been no indication of any problems. No cramping, no bleeding – the signs my wife had known to look out for.
“There’s no baby,” the radiologist said several times, simultaneously freaking us out and using what we thought was inappropriate terminology. She kept asking whether there had been cramping or bleeding.
There was still a gestational sac in the uterus, but no fetus.
I just didn’t believe it. My wife seemed to process it more quickly than I did.
It was like someone took a metaphorical crowbar to us.
They sent us to the OB-GYN floor. We had to sit in the waiting area. My wife was crying. They told us the doctors were busy and we might not be able to see someone until “after lunch,” which meant after 1:00. It was about 11:00. My wife did not want to wait. She was covering her face. I asked if we could have a private room, but there weren’t any. The receptionist, clearly sympathetic, let us use the empty conference room. We went in there and processed the shock.
We knew this was possible. Basically everyone we know who has kids had a miscarriage. But since there had been no sign – she still had the signs of pregnancy, which I’ll explain – it was just shock. She was crying. It was awful.
A doctor saw us within about 30 minutes. She seemed like a nice, good doctor. And she explained.
Turns out even in this way, miscarriage is not at all uncommon. The tiny little beginnings of a fetus – scroll down on this blog to see the picture from a sonogram at 6 weeks – disintegrate and absorb into the body, but other things remain. The gestational sac and placenta are still there, which means the pregnancy hormones are still going. You still feel pregnant. Your body is still changing as though you are.
In fact, the night before, my wife had been trying on a dress for a wedding we had that same weekend. Oh- here’s the added drama: right after what was supposed to be a smooth ultrasound, I was supposed to hop a flight to be in the wedding of a guy who is like a brother to me.
Anyway, the dress hadn’t fit. Her hips were widening, her stomach poking out a bit. Her body still acted pregnant.
The doctor said sometimes the gestational sac, with the placenta – just think of it as all the other “stuff” – fails to fall out on its own. She said there’s a term called “misabortion” – she emphasized “abortion the medical term, not the political term.” Basically, the fetus disintegrates but everything else that’s there fails to physically abort itself out of her body.
The doctor explained there were 3 options: wait for it to come out, use tablets to help encourage it to fall out, or have a common procedure called a “D & C” (dilatation and curettage) to have everything removed. She recommended not waiting too long if we chose option one, since it had apparently already been a few weeks since the fetus stopped being there.
My wife’s uterus was about the size it would be at 7 weeks., which suggests the fetus stopped being there around the 7th week. Which means shortly after the posting with the sonogram image below.
So, things I’ve written since then were actually, probably, by a non-pregnant husband.
My wife decided to book a D&C for the following Tuesday – five days after the appointment.
There are always minor risks to any surgical procedures, but on the flip side there’s a risk of hemorrhaging if you don’t take out the stuff.
The doctor said the “silver lining” in such a tough situation is that “you can get pregnant.” Since we hadn’t been “trying” yet, apparently the whole experience at least means that we’re fertile.
And she emphasized that the miscarriage had nothing to do with us. It’s just random – very often a fetus isn’t viable. It wouldn’t turn into a viable baby. It’s “nature’s way” of working things out.
We went home, and ended up in the position that I’d always imagined any couple gets into following such news: we sat on the floor, with a box of tissues next to my wife and a glass of water for her.
Even more drama: this was all happening right before she was planning to tell her family (see previous posting). The wedding was taking place where her family lives, so she was going to make the big announcement, even though we would have just been at the 11-week mark. She figured it was close enough to the end of trimester to be relatively safe.
Back to the house… She was processing her options, and immediately knew that she wanted to have the D & C right away. She couldn’t stand the thought of all the “stuff” being in her body without a fetus – it felt wrong, useless, and scary. She didn’t want to wait to go through a painful process of cramping and bleeding. People we’re very close to had gone through really tough miscarriages, and she saw no reason to wait. We spoke with one of those women, who agreed with my wife on that. She said physically it probably would not make a difference to wait until Tuesday, but psychologically it made sense right away.
I just wanted to make sure my wife was thinking as clearly as possible. While this was something we both went through, there is so much that she was/is going through that I can barely fathom. Although D&C is common, it’s still serious, and I wanted to make sure it was the right call. We spoke with enough people, including one of my best friends who’s a doctor, and I felt good about my wife’s decision.
After much calling to the doctor’s office for hours, we managed to get the nice doctor to perform the procedure on her lunch hour the next day.
My wife’s mom flew in. So, on the day that my wife was planning to tell her mother the news, her mother was instead meeting up with me in the waiting room of a hospital.
Check this out: that morning, before the procedure, my wife had bleeding for the first time. What are the chances? Either it was influenced by psychological factors or it involved progesterone, a hormone she had been taking to keep the uterus strong (I’m not sure if that’s the best way to put it). The doctor had told her that taking progesterone probably did not prevent the stuff from falling out. But then again, who knows? Maybe it had played a role, and maybe that one night without it allowed the bleeding to begin.
I sat with my wife as soon as they’d let me into the recovery room. The whole procedure was very quick, and she was out on IV sedation. She was so strong. I was so proud of her. I am so proud of her. It’s so incredibly hard what she’s gone through. I just keep saying to her over and over and over that this particular fetus was not meant to be a baby. That it’s luck of the draw.
My buddy the doctor told me it’s like a "false start" in a race, and that it’s very very common. He said in the end it’s just one bump on the road of life, that we’ll look back at. He said in the scope of things that happen to people, even things that have happened to us, this is not one of the more awful. He was great.
I keep hearing statistics that are staggering. I knew miscarriages were frequent – I had no idea they’re this common. Before I start spouting them here I’m going to look into them.
The fiancée, now wife, of the guy who’s wedding was this weekend said this to me: “It’s as miracle when it DOES happen.” That seems to sum it up.
(I didn't want to tell the couple, but had to because my wife would have to miss the wedding.)
We took my wife home, and her mom stayed with her while I made a very quick 24-hour trip to the city where the wedding took place. I didn’t have to go, but we both really wanted me to go, and we’re both really glad I went. It was great. A happy beginning for people we love. I flew up Friday evening and returned Saturday evening.
I told my wife that it’s a cool phenomenon of marriage: by my being at the wedding, I felt that were both there. By her being home with her mom, resting, I felt that we were both here. It’s like a super-power that comes from marriage – you can be in two places at once.
Her mom flew back home (she would have come even if I didn’t have the wedding), and we’re moving forward.
It’s tough. My wife is struggling, of course. I am too. I keep telling her that this is, in its own way, a rite of passage for many women, that she’s an incredible woman and that we’ll have a child. I remind her that we’re not one of those couples that has tried forever to have a baby. We hadn’t even started trying (click on my first, “Welcome” message on this blog to see where we were coming from). So now we can. (Well, in a few weeks.)
It’s a loss for me too. I have had flickers of fears – what if we can’t get pregnant again, what if this happens again, etc. But we don't have any reason to worry. And I think we need to leave it to the fates.
I told my wife this morning that it feels like pulling the slots in Vegas. The first two bars might come up just as you want them to. But the third is still up in the air. You might hit the jackpot, or you might end up with nothing.
I wouldn’t say we ended up with nothing. We’ve definitely grown from this and will continue to. We’ll have to see how things go from here.
People are being very supportive. Irony: you barely tell anyone about the pregnancy, knowing it could end; then when you lose it, you find yourself telling all sorts of people. Somehow that’s just right.
We still haven't told that many. We may. We'll see.
As I keep processing what happened, I’ll write more. Beyond that, I have no idea what’s ahead. Don't know how soon I'll choose to post again. But we do plan to have a child. Eventually, children.
Stay tuned.

We're gonna TELL

2005-10-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

Well, she is. But I'll be there. She (we) is (are) telling her family this weekend. They'll be psyched. I'll write it up next week.

Oops? I said something controversial

2005-10-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

To her. Involving making sure she continues to eat nutritiously. She assures me she is. We almost had a fight. This is gonna be interesting. Stay tuned, 'cuz more on this next week.

First Jitters...

2005-10-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

It happened. My first real wave of nerves. Oh, boy.
We saw that new Wallace & Gromit movie. Very funny by the way. I'm not sure how much the presence of many kids in the theater helped lay the groundwork for the night, but when my wife & I stopped for dinner afterward before stopping by a little party, I had the wave.
Suddenly I started thinking, "Can I really handle this? How is this going to change our lives? How am I going to pay for this? What will I be giving up?"
Thing is, I've thought all these things before. All of them. And been fine with them. Known the answers. And the answers are pretty good.
But this was different. I felt trepidation.
Still, I'm feeling more excitement than anything.
I also think I kind of look like a dad. In a good way. So that's promising.
I think my biggest fear, actually... know what? That's to explore in future posts. Need to think it through more before I can nail the perfect words for it. But here's the idea: I don't want any insecurities that I have to affect my kids. I'm a pretty confident person, but I've definitely got insecurities. I don't ever want to inflict my kids with those.
Yeesh.
BY THE WAY, if you're new to the site, enjoy the "pics" below. More soon.

2005-10-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

Week 8
According to my wife's book "Your Pregnancy week by week," this is what it looks like now in week 8 (NOT actual size). It kind of reminds me of Casper. Man, it's still so tiny.
I can't believe it'll grow into our kid. We are so amazed, every day.

She SO wants to tell!
It's just almost bursting out of her. No, not a baby -- the words. She wants to wear a huge floating sign 100 feet above her head that says "I'm pregnant!" And a sandwich board. And have it painted on all her limbs. And have an entourage with blowhorns blaring the news everywhere she goes.
It's beautiful. She's so thrilled -- it's like the ultimate sign of womanhood. But she almost gives the secret away, even though she doesn't want to tell. The other night five of us went to dinner and were seated outdoors near people who were smoking. My wife immediately said she did not want to sit there, which was just right, but she gave me and her sister a VERY obvious look -- right in front of two friends who don't know.
Her eyes screamed "I'm one of those women with special reason to worry about that because I'm PREGNANT! Yippeee!"
I quickly tried to cover it up, noting that the smoke would really bother her and me the whole dinner... hopefully, our friends remained clueless. I really hope this because later we made a surprise stop into our house, and my "Expectant Father" book wasn't covered, but only one of them could have seen it... whatever, it'll be easier when everyone knows.

Doctors: No, we don't have all day for 15 minutes with you
We tried an OB/GYN. A woman who works at my wife's gynecologist's office recommended this person. My wife waited MORE THAN AN HOUR and the doctor never came in.
It's so obnoxious the way doctors think they can make you wait all day. No one came in to apologize. I asked at the 45-minute mark if this was normal, and they said yes. I demanded we leave, because this woman did not deserve our business. But my wife was really upset and wanted to wait. Eventually I told her to call me if the doctor showed up, and I went to the lobby. At the 90-minute mark, my wife walked out.
No one apologized -- except a casual "sorry" from the random woman who stamped her parking pass. My wife was so upset.

Couvade or not couvade? That is the question
Restlessness at night, exhaustion during the day, some weird food cravings.... and that's just ME.
Yes, over the last week -- especially the last few days -- I've been strangely tired during the day. And I've been having totally un-me food cravings. I'm Mr. Healthy. So why did I want this random stuff? French bread pizza? Hello?
There's this thing called couvade, in which guys start exhibiting symptoms that their wives are experiencing. But it's not all psychological. Apparently, studies show that guys' hormones actually change during the pregnancy.
Why? Who knows. Maybe she's giving off these different pheremones that trigger a response in me. Or maybe it's some sort of positive thing developed through evolution. The book I'm reading says there's evidence it eventually helps guys build bonds with the baby.
There are also suggestions that guys who really want to be sharing the attention with their wives get these symptoms -- psychological stuff. But that's not me. Really. Plus, my wife isn't really getting any attention, since almost no one knows. Anyway, the book ("The Expectant Father" -- though nothing I'm reading so far has all the material I'm looking for) says couvade usually happens later on in a pregnancy. The book also says 90% of expectant fathers get it.
Besides, I might not have it. I have a simpler theory. She still spends time every night pushing me away, and I still revert to old form and try to wrap myself around her. So I do lose a bunch of sleep at night. Hence the restlessness, the exhaustion... Maybe the weird food stuff is just a lack of no sleep. Will update if/when I know more...
Must run to the trash, again. It's a new, almost daily task. Not so bad. She's really being great and strong. It's so amazing.
Oh -- more change in the breasts. Man, it's good this is anonymous. Her "aerolae" (no, I never use that word) are bigger and darker. Oh, and that paper thing they put her in at the OB/GYN office is kind of hot, too. What can I say.

tiny buds

2005-09-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm hitting the books, and learning more about the image you see below (at six weeks). Apparently, by the end of the first month it has tiny arm and leg buds, and a beating heart but no brain. By the end of the second month it will have tiny arms with wrists but no fingers, and sealed-shut eyes. Oh, and the heart is apparently on the outside of the body...

"it" has a heartbeat... first pic

2005-09-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

9-27-05
My wife had me come with her today to the gynecologist so I could “see the heartbeat.” It was my first time inside one of these places, and it’s true about that thing women lie in with their legs stretched out – it’s a little freaky. Then again kind of hot. But let's not go there.
Anyway, then the nurse came in, put a condom on some sonography instrument, and stuck it up there. After a minute, we saw “it.” She expanded the black-and-white image so we could tell it was there – basically a yolk sack, with a tiny little blob in it. There was movement in that blob. Apparently, that’s the heartbeat.
(Look at the little plus signs in the pic above -- that's the entire thing, expanded so we could see it.)
By “tiny” I mean tinier than a portion of your fingernail. The nurse ended up saying “it” is about 5 millimeters long. 5 millimeters! At this stage it doesn’t have human form or anything. In fact it’s tough to even think of it as a fetus. I still haven’t read the book, so I don’t know the official terms of everything. But man, is it small.
And here’s my question. How can something so incredibly tiny be having such a huge impact on her body? It’s revolutionizing how she feels.
For starters, she can’t stand most smells – especially food. The worst is cucumber. It's so random. When I eat one, I have to take the peel out of the house. But it’s not just that – she can’t be in the kitchen when the refrigerator is opened. Oh, and a scented candle made her feel sick. Basically, she’s in this constant state of either nausea or on the edge of it. She got these wristbands that seem to help some days, and seem to make no difference other days.
So, just 6 weeks into her pregnancy, some of the craziness has begun to take over our lives. I pretty much run to the trash all the time, trying to get rid of stuff that she can’t stand to be around.
Her saving graces right now: ginger ale and plain crackers.
I don’t get it – if it’s so incredibly small in this stage, why is this the stage that makes her, and so many women, sick? I’ve really got to hit that book…
Baby due in May. It’s still early, so we’re not telling anybody. She wants to tell everybody, but also knows it’s best to wait until the trimester’s up. We know plenty of people who have had miscarriages early on.

wonton soup

2005-09-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

9-21-05
Wonton soup at 2:20 in the afternoon. It’ll take about an hour for me to make the trek up there, but I’m happy to. It wasn’t a craving, but the only thing in a long list of foods that didn’t make her sick to think of eating.
Glad she finally came up with something she'll actually be able to eat. I just hope that by the time I get home, she'll still be willing to eat it...

Update: she did. Phew.

Welcome

2005-09-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

9-20-05
Welcome to my world.
My wife found out last week that she’s pregnant.
It was a surprise, since she thought she wasn’t ovulating. She had been on the pill/patch for many years, and figured it would take a while for things to get going inside her after she… gulp… took off the patch not long ago. Guess not.
I’ve always thought it was funny when people said pregnancies surprised them, even though they weren’t using birth control and had no reason to believe they were incapable of reproduction. Now I’m one of them.
It’s not like we were totally unready. We were going to start “trying” later this year, probably. Still, it’s big. What am I saying? It’s freakin’ huge.
I’m creating this blog to trace my experiences, freak-outs, excitement, and predicted 2a.m. rides to the grocery store. She’s actually been warning me for years that pregnancy would mean large amounts of ice cream, and I’m up for it. I think.
Note to readers: While I’m excited to be a father, and have unbelievable love for my wife, I plan to complain sometimes on this blog. I want it to be an honest diary that, who knows, might help provide insight/advice/ laughter-at-my-expense to other folks out there. I plan to complain freely. At no time will that mean I lack empathy for what she’s going through, or that I think what I’m going through is in any way tougher.

Hands off!
In retrospect, I might’ve known she was “with child” if I had seriously considered the possibility.
Last week, she started doing something she’s never done: physically pushing me away at night. I woke up at one point to find she was sleeping with her arm outstretched in to prevent me from reaching around her. It was totally unlike her, so I kept trying to move it away. But there it reappeared.
This is striking from her, since our typical sleep pattern has consisted of her waiting for me to fall asleep so I would wrap my entire body around her. When it comes time to go to sleep, she’s all about the cuddling. But I’m like the guys from Friends in an episode they did about this. I have to have my space. Only I don’t do the “hug-and-roll.”
I’m a lot blunter than that. I say, “Time to go to sleep. You can’t touch me.” Of course, she knows this is funny, because I completely zonk out within three minutes and wrap all my limbs around her, to the point that she says if people walked in they would think there was one person in the bed.
But last week, when I woke up, her arm was outstretched so stiffly –in her sleep – that I couldn’t manage to squeeze her, despite the ingeniousness for this single task that usually punctuates my middle-of-the-night stupor.
She later explained the reason. “My breasts are so sore!” she said, which at first made me wonder what made that day different from any other day, when she uses those exact words to ward off my anxious advances. But this time she added: “They feel like giant blocks of glass that I have to lug around.” Ouch.
They feel different, too. I mean, to me. I’ve always obsessed over them, and have numerous songs dedicated to them. (Why do you think this blog is anonymous?!) Now they feel fuller, stiffer. More taut.
I told her I want to understand as much as possible of what’s going on, including inside her, so she got me some book. But I haven’t opened it yet. I don’t think it’s just because I’m busy. I think I’m trying to get used to the whole idea of this in stages.
I’ve always wanted to be a good father, and will be. But I also expect to freak out about career aspirations, about money, about the fact that it will no longer being just her and me, together before the world.
It’s scary, and it’s awesome.
So it begins.