A Husband in Miscarriage Mode

"Holy F**k." "How the hell did this happen?" "Holy S**t."
"This isn't supposed to happened (sic)"
"Nothing went wrong -- it just happened."
"This freakin' sucks." "I can't believe this."

All those proclamations are things I scribbled on a piece of paper that I had with me when we got the news. Actually, the back of a printed plane ticket. And, for the record, I'm a pretty clean-mouthed guy. I save swear words for the times I need them. Exhibit A.

There's no template for how to handle these things. But, in our case, it's brought some twists I would not have imagined.

Fortunately, my wife is fine physically and is recovering in other ways. We've had a lot of support, and I'm doing the best I know how. But one thing I didn't see coming was the extent to which she would stake her womanhood, her femininity, on the pregnancy. Without it, she feels she has something to prove.

So while we pretty much kept the pregnancy secret because it was 1st trimester, she now wants the whole world to know that she was pregnant -- like somehow, the more people that know that the more it validates her.

That part scares me. We've talked about this. Partly what's scary is that I don't want the next pregnancy -- whenever it may be -- to be about us. It's about the kid. It's about bringing a child into the world, not proving anything.

My wife's an amazing woman with a great head on her shoulders, and her good, strong values are in place. I know she'll do the right thing. But this perspective-correction is part of my role as husband. I'm trying to help her understand that she has nothing to prove, and that we'll have our child when it's time.

Also, there's a line in which she can cross from going through all the emotions she needs to go through... into wallowing. We both have to watch out for that.

This weekend we took a trip up to the mountains. On the way, we got a call about a friend who's pregnnat. The second within a week. It hurt her, bad.

She wanted to turn around and go home. I said no way. Good thing -- we had a great day, and being out in nature helped bring perspective. As a husband, it's a balancing act -- let her, and help her, go through everything she needs to go through; but also help her not wallow.

Do we start trying again stat? I don't know...

Physically, by the way, she's back to exactly where she was BP (before the pregnancy) -- externally, anyway. Inside, even in some physical ways, she's still recovering. It's only been two and a half weeks.

One more confession: I think I've been processing some of my own pain about this in my dreams. During the day I don't really feel pain about it. It was tough and hurtful at first, but that pregnancy wasn't meant to be and we'll be fine. But there was some residual stuff that I was dealing with. In at least two cases, I know I felt hurt about it in my dreams. Whatever that means.

'Til soon.